Ohio Gov. John Kasich has unveiled an ambitious plan for the future of the Buckeye State. In a press release today, Kasich said he will move to privatize the entire state. Having already discussed and/or acted upon the privatizing/leasing/selling off/unfunding of the Ohio Dept. of Development, the Ohio Consumers Council, the state parks, the Ohio Turnpike, the state prison system, the Global Markets division, and half the water in Lake Erie, the Governor said he decided it was time for a "bold" step which relies completely on the free market. His new plan calls for the closing of all state departments, regulatory agencies and universities, and the elimination of all related jobs. These functions will then be auctioned off to the highest bidder.
"It's a tight budget," he said "but I've got to make the hard decisions. It's what I do. So I said to myself, 'Fuck it, just shut her down.' We'll close state government and turn it all over to the private sector. Everybody knows that free enterprise always keeps the public's well-being foremost in mind, so it's really the responsible thing to do. It's the only way to go, and it'll be great!"
When asked what Ohioans could expect henceforth for their tax dollar, Kasich responded, "A balanced budget, really small government, and me."